Emotional Intelligence (EQ)
The KEY to Better Memory & Life Success
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is like IQ but in relation to your emotions rather than you mental intelligence (IQ). It is extremely important as it impacts how you feel, your ability to handle emotions and then how well you relate with everybody. It’s a core life skill and these study skills here dramatically improve emotional intelligence if practiced and become a habit. Tap/click (touchscreen computers tap screen) the picture below to watch the video or read the transcript
What is emotional intelligence?
Emotional Intelligence is the concept first described by Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. As he rightly points out; what is more important being competent with your emotions and relating well or having a smart mind? Although, unlike cognitive intelligence, your emotional intelligence is 100% able to be developed. The only question is do you want to?
Emotions versus Feelings: What’s the difference?
Emotions in this website are defined as broadly as fear, anger (including frustration), sadness, anxiety, guilt and excitement. These are the core emotions. There are many other types of emotions but generally they are close relatives or variations of these six. These are then felt in different degrees with different flavours and therefore have different names. To complicate matters some emotions are a cocktail of the six core emotions.
Technically excitement could be classified as fear. It is classified here as the sixth emotion as many feel excitement as positive. We will discuss this useful fact in the Comfort Zone page (coming soon) as this can be used to do new things rather than be in fear and avoid. The reason is simple; excitement is adrenalin based. This is discussed more further down the page.
Emotions are completely different to what is defined in these pages as feelings. Feelings include peace, awareness, spaciousness, stillness, calmness, joy, happiness, openness and love. Feelings are your natural state and as you become more conscious and learn to live in the learning state these will be much more consistent in your life in all situations. You learn to be aware of these undercurrent feelings as emotions rise and fall. Because feelings are the Real You then they are actually always there – the only thing stopping it is your “practice of not feeling them”. The prime directives of the unconscious mind all aim to the final goal of these positive feelings being the default at ease state.
Emotional intelligence & State Awareness Traffic Lights
The state awareness traffic lights can also be used for gauging emotions and feelings. Practising state awareness provides sensory feedback of the mind, body, and emotional status. As with any skill the more it is practiced for more defined the nuances. The neurology learns to be more precise at providing the feedback information.
In terms of emotions, not feelings, if strong it would tend to indicate a more red emotional traffic light status. A mild emotion would tend to be yellow status. Green is a slight emotional disturbance.
If you are good at state awareness and holding the learning state it means you are able to hold a red emotional traffic light and be fully functional. In March Jacinda Ardern, the New Zealand Prime Minister, demonstrated very high emotional Intelligence as she handled the mass shooting tragedy that took place in Christchurch. One headline made the news around the planet where she said “And one of the messages that I want to share to our young people in particular is it’s ok to grieve. It is ok to ask for help, even if you weren’t directly affected.” as she spoke to a Cashmere High School. This was my High School as a student, I even taught study skills there after my Masters Degree on acclereated learning.
Barack Obama would be another example of someone who has high emotional intelligence. He demonstrates the ability to be calm, clear thinking and communicate clearly in situations that are very stressful. Barack does not get upset or flustered by people who are trying to test him. An example would be tricky personal questions from reporters.
These people tend to be very likeable. If they have a problem with someone they will either not let it bother them (because it doesn’t!) or they will discuss it in a helpful manner with the concerned individual. When discussing it with the individual /group they will do so without venting their emotions. They will tend to treat this situation as a problem solving activity. Blame will be absent it is about finding the solution, and that is all that matters.
Low emotional intelligence is indicated by automatic negative reactions with strong emotions to a small event. For example someone screaming and yelling about a door not being closed. Being violent with rage and anger, unless life threatening, is a clear sign of low emotional intelligence.
Medium emotional intelligence means some things can be handled easily and some things are not. Some things will stress a person and impact their performance or response. While other situations they may function through choice rather than reaction that is unconscious (no choice).
Depending on your capacity at holding conscious state awareness (ie: the traffic light exercise) and your ability to hold the learning state where all of your neurology is consciously activated will give a clear indication how high your emotional intelligence is.
For a happier life grow emotional intelligence
As a student how are your emotions related to your study? How does these study skills actually help you to be a better and happier person? I describe that in this video, again using the King Parrots to illustrate how to this dynamic operates. As you learn to use your state awareness traffic lights and learning state it also means you can choose to change how you feel.
As you practice changing your state into the learning state it means you can learn to be resourceful when no-fun emotions are running. Thus you become more stable, happy and people will find you much better to get on with. Often with study it is a matter of making a start even though you may feel resistant (yellow traffic light), but once you are making progress your feeling state will change to feeling better as you are helping yourself succeed. Tap/click the picture to watch.
Purpose of emotions
Feelings feel good, or at least peaceful or neutral. Emotions do not feel nice, with the exception of excitement. We naturally want them gone. Emotions often are the fuel and trigger for bad and destructive behaviours. The unconscious mind, the inner you, who creates and manages emotions runs under the prime directives to feel good and also to be a nice person (a moral being).
Question: So what is the purpose of these things called emotions that is under the management of the unconscious mind?
Answer: Emotions send the message that awareness is required for something.
The intention of every emotion is to help restore the prime directive of the unconscious to firstly be safe, then feel good (or at least be at peace) and be lazy (minimal energy expenditure). Effectively the unconscious mind desires to be in the learning state. At ease, peaceful and feeling happy. Observe a baby in a psychologically healthy family environment that is 3 to 12 months old. How do they behave? They are called a bundle of joy for a reason. This is the natural state of the unconscious until it is corrupted by trauma and bad habits (note the word habit). That is what the unconscious mind seeks for the person, to live as their normal way of life. The prime directives ensure that this is the easy path.
Babies and children soak up the behavioural norms of the family and society. Absorbing and adjusting to the environment continues throughout life. Zero to seven years old are the golden years of most programming, where the conscious mind and identity form (Psychology 101) as the brain, neurology and body form. Then eight to fourteen is the second most influential. This is where the teenager comes out and tries to be ‘me‘, much to the resistance of parents and society. Out comes the shadow to test its validity and identity. As age progresses the change is slower, unless traumatic events create significant shifts. Traumatic events activate the core No 1 prime directive of survival, then suppression/repression is triggered and the emotional state is set to the extreme red traffic light. Depending on the depth of the trauma it can result in a significant psychological condition. An example would be post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in soldiers and abuse survivors.
The life skill set here at Student Success Tutor is designed primarily for the learning state to maximise learning and academic success. The brilliance of this method is it offers a simple method to restore correct function of the unconscious mind. If the student, parent or teacher decides they want this for themselves they then have the tools to make significant shifts to having a life based in at least peace, if not joy and happiness. This website hopes to provide the evidence this is possible by my story and experiences.
This method cannot be forced onto another, it is a conscious action within the neurology of the individual. This is free will. Nobody can ever take the choice of attention placement away from a person (unless the brain is physically damaged or extreme trauma is experienced). Restoring the unconscious mind to its natural default is the metaphorical Return to Innocence. The learning state is the restoring of the default setting. This method taught here is free from bias, control and can be applied to any social or religious context. Being a good person in innate, all societies want good people.
The message of the emotions
The different emotions indicate different messages. If state awareness is being practiced and the emotion can be defined it will indicate what the issue is. Once the issue is identified, the conscious mind can then have a chat to the unconscious mind. If you talk to your unconscious like I do to the birds it is more likely to listen, and resolve the issue. The emotion will then fade out. The next time in life the same event happens the emotion will be much less. Thus emotional intelligence is higher, and a conscious response can be given rather than a knee-jerk reaction.
Summary of the emotions messages:
Anger: The message that something needs to change. This is often because a need or a want has not been forfilled. Hence the explosive desire to make something happen when anger is being felt. As humans and our modern life, the need for the explosiveness of anger isn’t typically needed. At the unconscious level this isn’t recognised, as the unconscious is a 5 year old child.
The key with anger is to recognise what is not being met. Being bullied which is a threat to safety is a valid reason for anger. Action needs to be taken to stop receiving this sort of treatment. Being given a banana milkshake not the requested flavour of chocolate one is a less valid reason for anger.
Sadness: A message something is not being received or something has just been lost. It’s maybe the loss of something or someone or a sense of disappointment. Understanding the loss can help, but feeling sadness rather than avoiding it is the best way to move through it. Allowing tears to flow when they want to is often the best method to let the loss be released. Allowing the sadness to be felt in the learning state (full neurology activated) is extremely effective with sadness.
Fear: This is the survival instinct speaking. Number one prime directive is Safety (preserving the body)! It is the red alert function to react and run. The fear may also turn into the stay and fight as it is the flip side of the fight-flight instinct that all animals have.
Anxiety: This is future fear. Anxiety’s message is clear; preparation is required so get on with it and perform the needed tasks. Past traumas can also set up expectations of future failure, which will trigger anxiety. Anxieties message is very healthy, unless trauma based from prior experiences.
Guilt: As mentioned prior the unconscious mind is a highly moral being. To be a good person is natural, its a prime directive. Guilt is a message I’m not being good. With repeated practice guilt is suppressed and will not register and it becomes easy to perform wrongful acts. Guilt is a healthy sign that the unconscious prime directive to be a moral being has not been corrupted. If guilt is being felt then an apology or corrective action may be required. Certainly a more moral response next time the same thing happens will hopefully happen.
Trauma and external conditioning from authority figures can also install a habitual guilt response in the unconscious mind of the individual or groups (and countries).
If the state awareness exercise is being used, and the learning state activated then the conscious mind can be used to examine this response and undo the habit. A psychologically healthy person can easily decide what is a rightful action without the need for doctrine. The correct action is always related to inherent feelings of love, peace and caring for a mutually positive outcome. Win/win is the simple answer.
Excitement: Excitement is classified here as an emotion, not a feeling. Excitement is fear inverted as it generates the production of adrenaline which is the fear chemical produced by the body. Its message is wanting an outcome now but fear is also present as it is not yet certain……. so lets do this and hope the outcome is good. That is why extreme sports are exciting, as they have a real possibility of injury or death. Hence it is fear which is felt as positive excitement.
Interpreting the message of the emotions
Emotions are only the messenger. They are not the message. Few people understand this point. The tricky bit is to understand what is the message. For example yelling and screaming with anger about a door not being closed could be accumulated frustration over a door being left open many times. There are many ways to solve this problem. The anger is a tool to hopefully help it be heard how important it is that the need or want for the door to be shut occurs.
Because humans are so complex there may be other past events stored in the unconscious for resolution. The prime directives of the unconscious mind is to present the unresolved emotions where possible so they are processed and let go. The colloquial term for these stored unresolved events is emotional baggage. That may add extra emotional volume to the current event by the unconscious mind so it is unburdened.
With time and practice of state awareness and using the learning state one becomes very good at noticing when the green traffic light if left for yellow. Sensitivity to the yellow traffic light develops with practice. This then helps faster resolution consciously to bring back the state of equilibrium. It is far easier to activate state awareness and the learning state in the yellow traffic light state than the red.
Then the neurology can be trained to be in the learning state and hold emotions when in the yellow state, and later the red traffic light. For example it is easier to learn and hold the learning state with mild frustration (yellow) than it is with anger (red). As frustration is a milder version of anger mastering these less intense emotions will happen before anger can be held consciously and resourcefully in the learning state. With dedicated practise one will eventually hold the learning state (full neurological functioning and conscious choice) in extreme circumstances and when strong emotions are happening. The emergency response page covers this topic.
Maintaining or entering the state of full neurological function and conscious choice (defined in this website as the learing state) means the emotions can be held and not shared with the people involved. Or the person may well express the emotions depending on the situation. It may be ok to yell at someone in the family, but it may not work yelling at an employer as it may result in unemployment.
With these life skills taught here the emotional events can be addressed and resolved with the use of the learning state. This can be covered in tutoring. Clearing emotional stresses are important as it allows a deeper learning state for study review and performance in assessments.
To master finding the true message that the emotional messenger is trying to make obvious takes practice. Often just being aware and using a learning state can resolve it. The unconscious will often provide the ‘ah-ha’ intuition as to the reason, and why is that? The learning state is the Alpha brain wave state where intuition functions as all the neurology is accessible for integration and processing. By definition the learning state is the optimal state.
The only question is how much is the state awareness and learning state entry practiced? This is why ongoing coaching / tutoring will develop this most profound life enhancing state for learning, life success and default happiness.
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EQ & Learning State in Nature
In the Sulphur Crested Cockatoo videos the behaviour dynamic is very different. These big birds have a more distinctive personality. Cockatoos can live to over 80 years old in the wild, 120 years in captivity. The videos in this website shows one bird is quite aggressive to other birds, and tends to bite me. Its movements are jerky and reactive. This bird can also be gentle, even when it has my finger in its mouth as it uses me to help lift it up onto my leg. That was a real moment of anxiety for me and a test of my learning state. Tap the picture to the left, this video is a classic, and will be in the exam strategy page (once created).
This video can be watched over and over to examine the birds, how they interact and how I cope with anxiety, as these birds are powerful biters when they get angry or scared.
The cockatoos enjoy destroying cedar window ledges, so home owners need to be careful when attracting or feeding these birds. Watch what is happening when they react, and how they respond together. Their crests all lift at the same time. I never get tired of watching this video, so many layers of bird behaviour. The cockatoos also follow the prime directives of the unconscious mind. Cockatoos are very perceptive, they often demonstrate shame when told off for biting. Note how I tell this bird off, how it reacts and it goes yellow traffic light, walks a small circle, then it comes back to me in the green light. Note my comment, I was the only person that day out of 200+ people who these big birds landed on.
In 2013 I had one session with wild cockatoos (no decent smart phone to do videos then unfortunately) and at the end I had five bleeding wounds. One bird was responsible for three of the bites. Parrots and Magpies (crows) have phenomenal memories, they will remember a person and their face who threatens them for many years.
The bird and animal behaviours in the Student Success Tutor videos also demonstrate this. It is fascinating to watch the young yellow beaked King Parrots which are the equivalent of 8 to 13 year old humans. These are the birds that tend to bite and squabble the most as they test and establish how life operates after fledging from the nest. The adult King Parrots usually don’t bite. If they do bite it is only gently if I am fully holding them which has not triggered a full survival response. They bite hard and squark their distress call if they are fully triggered. They never bite to hurt so they are not in fear. The adult females have a black beak, and the adult males have the red heads. These parrots are more stable in their behaviour over the Crimson Rosellas and the much bigger Sulphur Crested Cockatoos. The King Parrots have sweet gentle personalities.
Why is excitement and emotion?
As a point of interest, here is why excitement is classified as an emotion and not a feeling in this website.
Quiz the pepole around you and ask “is excitement an emotion or a feeling?” What is your view?
The reasoning given here may be unique, but this is my experience based on the mastery of the learning state. This includes my research into learning, neuroscience and my experience with monitoring the prime directives of the unconscious mind since 1995 (when I became totally focused on mastering NLP). Excitement generates adrenalin. Adrenalin is the core hormone used by the body to generate the fight/flight survival instinct in the limbic system and reptilian brain. Thus excitement is fear based and initiates the flight response. This is demonstrated by most animals, even the most venomous on the planet, like the extremely deadly Australian snakes will run first. Thankfully as I have a habit of running into them, even in urban areas, I have yet to witness a deadly snake being aggressive. As I instantly freeze and go into a deeper learning state as a response now. The extra-calm and associated body language helps these beautiful animals remain calm, feel un-threatened until they decide to leave. My body does not release adrenalin in these instances. Normally adrenalin is initially used for quick reaction times in the muscles. From fear it can switch from flight to fight and provide extra muscle strength for the battle to ensure survival.
If the learning state is truly mastered it becomes a default habit. After a few years of the learning state settling to the default position excitement becomes rare. There is no need for fear as most situations are met with full the resources the unconscious mind has to offer! When excitement is experienced, the effect on the body and energy levels is noticeable compared to the peaceful place of the learning state. It does actually feel unpleasant, strong excitement feels jarring, and there is a noticeable hangover in the body after strong excitement. It is still enjoyable when it happens, but it becomes less common. This helps explain why I managed a full days work after being hit by a car, and spent the next day in bed feeling exhausted and very sore. My learning state abilities kept me in full function with a clear mind, even though my body was loaded with adrenalin after facing potential sever harm or death.
The prime directives of the unconscious mind point to this. Adrenalin production stresses the body, the endocrine system especially. It makes the muscles go on high alert, which is stressful and burns energy. This violates a number of the prime directives of the unconscious mind, its rule book. Our unconscious is supremely wise when it is functioning correctly. It will not waste energy, it likes to be lazy and feeling good. The learning state becomes a very happy and relaxed place to live from. As this habit deepens it entrenches as the default behaviour state in more and more difficult instances. Recovery back to the green awareness state happens faster.
Emotional intelligence video transcript
Note: transcript is mostly word for word – thus grammar may not be formally correct.
Let’s talk about one of the most important things that a human being can develop; that is emotional intelligence first coined by Daniel Goleman. It’s like IQ ie how well your brain works, how well you think, how intelligent you are but it’s related to your emotional ability to feel, work with your emotions, relate to others and be resourceful when stuff gets tough.
So this is a development that can happen consciously they say IQ is fixed. Emotional intelligence is certainly developed. So how do you develop that and what are the benefits? To develop your emotional intelligence you have to be aware of your state. Now this is what I cover in tutoring and mentoring. I use the concept of the traffic lights to check in with your state, your body and inner being in such a way that you can turn your brain on for learning. If you are in tutoring for study skills and student coaching it tunes you into that place where you can be resourceful and productive. If you’re in the workplace its useful if you’re about to do a presentation, if you’ve just been pulled over by a traffic officer for speeding and all those things.
It applies in every situation. The secret with emotional intelligence and how to develop it is to be aware of your state. Once you do that then you are consciously aware of your current state. Then you can do something about changing it and that’s what all of this website is about. All the services I offer are about you developing in consciousness so you can work with your emotions. So you can also heal your baggage, so you can get rid of various behavioural patterns. For study so you can get yourself into that learning state so you can have photographic memory or learn your subjects really easily and stay focused and get the work done. This is how it works this is what you can’t separate out learning from emotional intelligence. You can’t separate our leadership from emotional intelligence, being a good employee or family member or a person in a relationship with another person.
I’m sure we’ve all had experiences with people in an intimate relationship, friendships or work relationships with someone who doesn’t have the capability to work with their emotions. That can be extremely difficult, you find yourself walking on eggshells and things like that.
What working with and developing your emotional intelligence does is it makes you a more robust person. It means you can relate and deal with situations. People tend to like you more because you’re stable and you’re probably happier. Development of the emotional intelligence is kind of a by-product by doing the learning process or the consciousness development process with me. These processes are very closely, almost intertwined in a way. The key with developing your emotional intelligence is to bring yourself into the learning state. To bring yourself into that state of presence consciousness so you are consciously aware that you’re here in this room. That you’re dealing with this situation and then you’re aware of your body. I’ll coach you through these processes. I’ll have videos for you if you’re in mentoring, resources to follow through so you can develop this habit.
It becomes a habit of checking in, working with the traffic lights then bringing yourself into that state of whole brain learning, presence and consciousness. You are at choice rather than being run by your emotions. A person with low emotional intelligence just flies off the handle or is always angry or all those sorts of things. A drunk person when they’re violent that’s the sign of their emotional intelligence. They’ve got a lot of anger in there and then they’re acting out bad behavior patterns. We’ve all got them (bad habits that is) some people’s bad behavior patterns are worse than others.
How do you undo those is by choosing to go into their state of presence, the learning state. We can go “oh, I’m doing that again” “oh, I’m feeling that way” and that is the starting point. I will coach and mentor you through that process of how to undo those things. It also impacts your motivation for learning. You need motivation for doing the things and the tasks you need to do. This applies in both education and in employment / self-employmen. That’s a master key to a better life and there is research out there with literally tens of thousands of people that those with higher emotional intelligence are in higher paid positions. The business people that are self-employed that do really well are very successful have high degrees of emotional intelligence.
So this is one of these keys it is one of these emotional type topics. But it’s it’s a key functioning thing for you as a human being. It’s hugely critical now. All of this has built in to what I do to either of my services; be that teaching people how to learn, study, to cope with school or university. It’s about becoming a great student with great grades, or you’re an adult and you’re developing yourself because you know you don’t life can be better, they’re totally intertwined. So make contact, book in. I’m Jason for Student Success Tutor .com looking forward to hearing from you. 🙂